Indecision

It's 2 a.m. here in Edinburgh and I am still awake thinking about my future. I wanted to just sit back and enjoy my year here but the further I go the more I realize that big life-changing decisions are just around the corner, and I do not feel ready to face them. All my life I have had trouble with indecision, is usually ask someone else to decide or put them off entirely.

With any luck I'll graduate this semester, which means I will be free to choose just about any path. If I get a full-time job here and a work visa I could feasibly stay here forever. But then what about my family? I have always been extremely proud of the close bonds I share with my family and my friends. I do not know how long I can maintain these vital relationships via letters and Skype. My cousin is having a baby, how am I supposed to be a good and loving aunt from so far away? What will happen when my brother settles down with a wife and kids, what if I meet someone special here?

When I think about how much I miss everyone from home I feel miserable for wanting to stay. Except I love it here. Living here has been almost a magical experience, and I would be heartbroken if I had to leave. The problem is I would be just as heartbroken if I weakened these family ties I hold so sacred. If I stay here I'm guaranteed to live hand-to-mouth for many years. If I go home I might be able to get a small reprieve, but I will be stuck in the black hole that is Bakersfield, and I want something more for myself. I also am afraid of looking and feeling like a failure, forced to come home to mommy and daddy because I can't hack it in the real world on my own.

Sometimes I still wonder about being a writer. Everyone likes to voice their opinions the fact that I do it on paper doesn't make me special. I fear for the world of print media, because it may be dwindling slowly into oblivion, and job-wise that does not bode well for me. I started this blog in hopes that I would be noticed, that somehow I could stand out and get ahead, but everyone is blogging now, and there's nothing to set me apart.

I sometimes wonder where I would be now if I followed a different dream. For years I wanted to be a pyrotechnician so that I could design fireworks. For some reason or other, I decided it was too hard, that I needed to be better at math, chemistry and physics, and I asked myself would it really be worth it? When I saw the fireworks light up the sky heralding the New Year I thought maybe it's not too late to go for it. The first time I interviewed a source for my school paper and later when I saw my name in print, I remember feeling that same awe. Maybe it has just been too long since I have actually written for a publication, so I have lost the thrill. Maybe all it takes to get that spark back is writing professionally again.

I want to travel the entire world and see everything there is to see, but as always money is the issue. I promised myself I would travel Europe while I was here. I wanted to be off somewhere new every weekend, but money runs short and plans change. I might have to stay here a while because at this rate I cant afford a flight home. Maybe instead of the journalism field I could go into the tourism field. I could get paid to go places and write for travel guides or magazines. I think one of my many dream jobs might be National Geographic, where I could get paid to go somewhere new and exciting and write about my adventures. As I imagine this the question comes back to me, what about family? When will I find time to see them again? When will I find a place I can call home? and is it really worth it?

Another dream is to be a film critic. Not just a film critic of course, there's no room in journalism for a one-trick pony anymore. I would have to write many things but if I can write about the wonderful world of cinema occasionally I think I could be happy. I might even like working in the classic film field, like with Turner Classic Movies writing about film history and the Golden Age. The questions now are: how do I get my foot in the door? and will I be able to support myself this way.

Up until now these have all just been dreams, the life I contemplate while I'm still in school 'figuring it out.' The time has come to figure and figure fast because soon I will be out of comfy college life and in the real world with a massive student debt and no promised career and no one to hold my hand and do it for me.

All of these paths are laid before me and there is no certainty as to where they lead. I am afraid of making the wrong decision but I can't be indecisive forever.

And that is what is keeping me awake at 3:25 a.m.