It's 2 a.m. here in Edinburgh and I am still awake thinking about my future. I wanted to just sit back and enjoy my year here but the further I go the more I realize that big life-changing decisions are just around the corner, and I do not feel ready to face them. All my life I have had trouble with indecision, is usually ask someone else to decide or put them off entirely.
With any luck I'll graduate this semester, which means I will be free to choose just about any path. If I get a full-time job here and a work visa I could feasibly stay here forever. But then what about my family? I have always been extremely proud of the close bonds I share with my family and my friends. I do not know how long I can maintain these vital relationships via letters and Skype. My cousin is having a baby, how am I supposed to be a good and loving aunt from so far away? What will happen when my brother settles down with a wife and kids, what if I meet someone special here?
When I think about how much I miss everyone from home I feel miserable for wanting to stay. Except I love it here. Living here has been almost a magical experience, and I would be heartbroken if I had to leave. The problem is I would be just as heartbroken if I weakened these family ties I hold so sacred. If I stay here I'm guaranteed to live hand-to-mouth for many years. If I go home I might be able to get a small reprieve, but I will be stuck in the black hole that is Bakersfield, and I want something more for myself. I also am afraid of looking and feeling like a failure, forced to come home to mommy and daddy because I can't hack it in the real world on my own.
Sometimes I still wonder about being a writer. Everyone likes to voice their opinions the fact that I do it on paper doesn't make me special. I fear for the world of print media, because it may be dwindling slowly into oblivion, and job-wise that does not bode well for me. I started this blog in hopes that I would be noticed, that somehow I could stand out and get ahead, but everyone is blogging now, and there's nothing to set me apart.
I sometimes wonder where I would be now if I followed a different dream. For years I wanted to be a pyrotechnician so that I could design fireworks. For some reason or other, I decided it was too hard, that I needed to be better at math, chemistry and physics, and I asked myself would it really be worth it? When I saw the fireworks light up the sky heralding the New Year I thought maybe it's not too late to go for it. The first time I interviewed a source for my school paper and later when I saw my name in print, I remember feeling that same awe. Maybe it has just been too long since I have actually written for a publication, so I have lost the thrill. Maybe all it takes to get that spark back is writing professionally again.
I want to travel the entire world and see everything there is to see, but as always money is the issue. I promised myself I would travel Europe while I was here. I wanted to be off somewhere new every weekend, but money runs short and plans change. I might have to stay here a while because at this rate I cant afford a flight home. Maybe instead of the journalism field I could go into the tourism field. I could get paid to go places and write for travel guides or magazines. I think one of my many dream jobs might be National Geographic, where I could get paid to go somewhere new and exciting and write about my adventures. As I imagine this the question comes back to me, what about family? When will I find time to see them again? When will I find a place I can call home? and is it really worth it?
Another dream is to be a film critic. Not just a film critic of course, there's no room in journalism for a one-trick pony anymore. I would have to write many things but if I can write about the wonderful world of cinema occasionally I think I could be happy. I might even like working in the classic film field, like with Turner Classic Movies writing about film history and the Golden Age. The questions now are: how do I get my foot in the door? and will I be able to support myself this way.
Up until now these have all just been dreams, the life I contemplate while I'm still in school 'figuring it out.' The time has come to figure and figure fast because soon I will be out of comfy college life and in the real world with a massive student debt and no promised career and no one to hold my hand and do it for me.
All of these paths are laid before me and there is no certainty as to where they lead. I am afraid of making the wrong decision but I can't be indecisive forever.
And that is what is keeping me awake at 3:25 a.m.
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No matter where in the world you are, you will always be my close friend. <3 You can't get rid of me that easy. You will have to go much further than across the world. I'm sure even if you went to Mars I would still find a way to skype and write to you, but if you went to Mars you may not live long, so don't go there okay? And if you do, take the doctor, that way youll be safe.
ReplyDeleteTo mirror what Deme said, doesn't matter where a friend is, friends will always be there. Even if we can be there in person we'll always find ways to at least say hi. You have many paths before you and one thing I have found on my own path, if you focus on what is at the end of it the only thing on your mind will be the doubt on how to get there. If you find the path in front of you isn't what you expected it to be, branch out and carve your own. Never worry about making the wrong decision for every decision you make is just one more step. Sometimes a step isn't as good as you might have hoped but you just have to keep moving forward. Also watch lots of Dr. Who.
ReplyDeleteKatie, I think you are doing really well so far. You know we miss you like crazy, and that you miss everyone at home just as much, but Bakersfield, such that it is, will always be home and isn't going anywhere. You, my dear, are. Trust yourself. And keep writing! I try not to be biased when I read your blog, but this piece is from the heart and is my favorite so far. You have figured out that this 'writing' stuff makes you happy. That is a major thing. Looking forward to skyping with you later :)
ReplyDeleteThere is a common theme among older and wiser individuals in regards to this type of dilemma: Don't let family, friends, or significant others, get in the way of YOUR dreams. As Deme and Steven have both said, friends and family will always be there for you regardless of geographic location. After living in LA for a few years and working with some extremely successful and talented people, I have learned something else about these situations: Do what is right for you now, because what is right for you now, probably wont be right for you forever. Talk to some happy and successful people and ask them how many different places they have lived and how many different jobs they have had. I think you will find that the answer is almost unanimously, lots! Barring statistical improbabilities, what you do now will not prevent you from doing something different in the future. Live in Scotland or abroad or where ever for a few years and ENJOY it! If you find that priorities change and being close to family takes priority, move back. Furthermore, do not let yourself be fixed in the false dichotomy that is Edinburgh OR Bakersfield. There are a myriad of possible places around the world in which you could live happily.
ReplyDeleteMy advice on a job is similar and at the same time different. In the ideal case you have a job that made you lots of money and provided you lots of joy. Unfortunately, most people are not so lucky. However, if the job affords you the ability to do the things you want to do outside of work, then a certain degree of contempt is acceptable. On the other hand, if you are doing what you love, who cares about making lots of money. As long as the pay is proportional to the pain(with in reason), I think you can be happy. As is with your place of residence, almost no career is set in stone and a new job is usually within reach.
We are proud of you and will support you in whatever direction life takes you.
Dearest Katie,
ReplyDeleteAs I've said before, it's not a matter of you being ready for whatever comes next in the world. The world is quite ready for you.
As many have already said, don't worry about loosing touch with friends and family. You're confusing physical distance with emotional distance, and there are those of us out here that will stand by you no matter how far away you are. Personally, I would much rather hear about you smiling than see you frown. Keep that in mind.
I never knew about the whole pyrotechnic thing, and I think it's totally cool. You are correct, there is a fair bit of math and chemistry involved, but it's not as bad as you might think. Demolitions and pyrotechnics was a big part of my job as a combat engineer, and while we worked with bigger numbers than you would use in fireworks, the principles are similar.
You have one thing quite wrong in your post though: There are no paths laid out before you. What lays before you is the wide-open vista of your future with no fences or walls save the ones you choose to build. There are no paths save the one you've left behind you, and it's never too late to change direction. It's the second greatest failing of my life not to see this earlier.
So don't put too much pressure on yourself to choose a career within a certain time frame. The fact that you feel you have to make a choice shows that you aren't sure enough yet to make it. Just continue to chase your smile, do what you have to to scratch out a living, and let your passion guide you (totally cliche, but true). Trust me, it won't take as long as it did for me.
So relax, have some cider, and just live for the love of it. Stop wondering if you would be a good writer and just focus on being the best Katie you can be. Your dreams will sort themselves out, and you'll which ones to grab and wrestle into submission.
And Katie, for the little it's worth, no matter how far away you are, I'm always there if you need anything. And that includes helping you get home (wherever that winds up being.) so take a deep breath and enjoy tomorrow, the next day, and the thousands of days after that, wherever you are, and whatever you may be doing.
Stay happy.